HOW TO SING THE BLUES

• 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
• 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman-- with the meanest dog in town.
• 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman-- with the meanest dog in town, (repeat first line) He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher-- and he weighs about 500 pounds.
• 4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
• 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
• 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
• 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
• 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
• a. violet
• b. beige
• c. mauvre
• 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
• 10. Good places for the Blues:
• a. the highway
• b. the jailhouse
• c. the empty bed
• Bad places:
• a. Ashrams
• b. Gallery openings
• c. weekend in the Hamptons
• 11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
• 12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
• Yes, if:
• a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
• b. you're blind
• c. you shot a man in Memphis
• d. you can't be satisfied
• No, if:
• a. you were once blind but now can see
• b. you're deaf
• c. you have a trust fund
• 13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
• 14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
• Other blues beverages are:
• a. wine
• b. Irish whiskey
• c. muddy water
• Blues beverages are NOT:
• a. Any mixed drink
• b. Any wine kosher for Passover
• c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
• 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.
• 16. Some Blues names for Women:
• a. Sadie
• b. Big Mama
• c. Bessie
• 17. Some Blues Names for Men:
• a. Joe
• b. Willie
• c. Little Willie
• d. Lightning Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
• 17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit):
• a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
• b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
• c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) Mix and Match
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